Sunday, October 5, 2014

A little bit about me.


This post is a departure from my typical recipe and work out postings. I want to share something with you that many people don't know. This experience has helped to shape who I am. It was very intense time in Fabio ans my life, it nearly destroyed our marriage seven years ago, but we came through it stronger and better I believe. I want to share about the time we wanted to adopt a boy. I will call him Anthony in this blog. 

Fabio and I don't have children. For whatever reason, we have not been able to have them. We wanted to begin our family so after a lot of pondering, soul searching and prayer, we found a boy we wanted to make part of our forever family. He was 9 at the time. He was half white, half Hispanic. We wanted an older kid, because we felt that the were less likely to ever be adopted. We found out why. 

To begin the process, Fabio and I had to take several classes about adoption and foster care. We had to become a licensed home and keep up with certain certifications. Hours were spent in classes, with Anthonie's therapist and social worker long before we got to even meet him. We learned of his horrible past and all the issues he had. I first learned of Reactive Attachment Disorder, encoprisis and other issues this kiddo had. Finally, after months of meetings we were allowed to meet him. We were introduced to him as his "visiting family." For a little under year, every Thursday, we would show up and spend two hours with Anthony trying to establish a relationship with him. He was a master manipulator, but Fabio and I were happy to be with him.  

Finally, he was moved into our home a year later. He was placed there because his previous foster home was not administering the medications to Amthony. When you are a foster care giver, you are required by law to give any and all medications as perscribed. This child was on about $4000.00 a month worth of meds. Depakote, Trileptol, Seroqil, concertante a few of the heavy hitters this kid was on. Honestly, I don't think any of it helped him. 

We were assigned a family therapist. The day he moved into our home hi kicked a hole in the wall of our home, and punched me. We knew this would probably happen and were still committed to him. There was not a day that I was not kicked, hit, punched, bit or you name it. Anthony was used to exploding and then being "managed" by a team of adults from his school when he acted violent. The only thing Fabio and I were authorized to do was call the police to come "manage" Anthony. This did not last long as police don't like to be used for this purpose.  See, Anthony was convinced deep down that he was a terrible person, that he deserved to be treated bad. So, anytime something good happened in his life, he would sabotage it. It was so hard to watch.  

Our therapist wanted to try a new approach. We began to bottle feed Anthony like a baby and to do the things parents wild do with a newborn to try and see if Anthony would establish connections and bonds. See people were objects to be manipulated to Anthony. Rules were ment to be broken. The only way I can really describe this child at times was living with a psychopath, a calculating criminal. Other times, you could see the kid trying so hard to be a "normal" part of the family. We loved him, but we also were wearing down. It was extremely intense. 

Anthony stole just about anything, from anyone. He would assault anyone at any time. He was not a little boy. On Halloween several years ago he got suspended for punching his rather large teacher because he did not get his way in class. He supposed he would still be going trick or treating that night. He was not allowed to go which brought about the largest tantrum we had ever had, so much so that he told me he was going to kill us that night by stabbing us. A little while later, the cops were called. Anthony made several allegations against us, and the cops took him for a 72 hour hold. They transported him with a 6" switch blade kinfe in his pocket. They didn't bother to search him until they got to the hospital. 

It was the most intense and hardest time of my life. On one hand we cared for this kid, on the other we  were worn out and exhausted and ready for it to be over. I felt so guilty for wanting it to be over. So did Fabio. 

I don't know anything about what happened  to Anthony. Last I had heard is he was in the juvenile detention center and wasn't getting out soon. 

I hope he can find himself someday. 

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